i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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