I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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