hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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