Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
