Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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