I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
