Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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