It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
