I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
