I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
