So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
