So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
