Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
