It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
