Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
