im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
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