Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
COCAINE IS GR8
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