if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
