fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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