You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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