We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
