I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
