You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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