Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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