I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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