sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
