Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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