i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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