her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
