My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
