I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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