When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
im six kinds of drunk right now
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
