The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
