My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
