3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
