When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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