My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
