i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
should my penis look like a turkey
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
