i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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