I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
