I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
