Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
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Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
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I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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