Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
