I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
