i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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