My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
