FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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