and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
