Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
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