Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
