u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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