I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
