I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
