so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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