Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
